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Capitalism – over the top and down your bum

By: William Thomas, For comments, ideas and copies of The True Story of Wainfleet, go to www.williamthomas.ca

So I’m looking at uber capitalist Mitt Romney thinking maybe he’s on the right track after all.  Here’s a guy who sells American jobs to foreign countries, keeps his money in Swiss banks, probably sends his laundry out to China to be cleaned and orders in pizza direct from Naples.  And I’m thinking – why not?  Why not outsource – everything?  Put a price tag on everything from body parts to forehead ads.  Sell everything from our hearts and souls, from our brains to our big toes.

Thanks largely to the Internet, everybody’s a huckster these days and nothing is off the sales table.

A young mother from Bountiful, British Columbia just sold her forehead to a casino as advertising space.  Kari Smith had “GoldenPalace.Com” tattooed across her forehead in large black letters for $10,000.  It ought to be the first business contract ever to include the line:  “Never let your hair down.”

Miss Anorei Collins, a budding young model on the Big Breast Fetish circuit – not making that up – just sold 72 inches of advertising on her size 40NN breasts to a radio station in Malone, New York for $2,000.  The radio station’s call numbers are 96.5 which in inches sounds just about right.  Wild Country Radio hasn’t revealed the wording of their double feature ads yet.  I’m guessing something like:  “You better stare.  We paid $1,000 each for these.”

Recently 23-year-old Tina Beznec of New Zealand auctioned off a 9×9 cm space on one of her buttocks for a tattoo advertisement.  A strip joint in Auckland outbid everybody to put their message on Tina’s backside billboard with an offer of $9,554.  Calendar Girls has not revealed the ad they will post on the Kiwi’s bum but “There’s More Where This Came From” might work.  Tina put only one of her buttocks up for auction on eBay – boy, I wonder if Pierre Omidyar, the creator of eBay saw this one coming – because two would be tacky.

In the dying days of capitalism, imploding from shameless corporate greed and mind-boggling corruption, it seems everybody is trying to get one last grab at the gold, even if it’s in somebody else’s teeth.

It used to be you could only sell your soul to the devil, but recently Lori N. from New Mexico put hers up for sale on eBay for $2,000.  Many people are telling her that’s she’s going to burn in hell for eternity which tells me the devil really is involved in this deal.

Did you know that in Santa Anna, California they have a county jail where prisoners can upgrade to a cleaner and quieter cell for $90 a night?  Honest!  By upgrading your jail cell you get to spend a peaceful night in a building well-removed from the one where the noisy convicts are housed.  Now isn’t accepting a bribe for better treatment from a bank robber just a little bit ludicrous?  Wouldn’t this encourage the thief to rob even more banks once he’s out to secure better upgrades when he lands back in?

The highway authorities of four major U.S. cities are now selling the right for single drivers to use the carpool lanes.  For about ten dollars a shot, you can now drive alone in these multi-passenger lanes, thereby getting to your destination faster and completely destroying the purpose behind the carpool lanes.

In Washington, D.C., high-powered lobbyists ensure themselves of the best seat at congressional hearings by paying homeless people to stand in line for them overnight.  And yes, it probably has happened that the fat cats have lobbied on behalf of developers against low-rent housing for the homeless.

There’s an economics professor in Chicago who is advocating that poor Americans sell their U.S. citizenships for $50,000 to foreigners and then move to Mexico.  The American dream is not dead, it’s going, going, gone to a rich guy who hates paperwork.

It comes as no shock that some couples now pay a surrogate mother to carry their child for them, from conception to birth.  But the Louisiana state representative who wants to pay poor women $1,000 to have themselves sterilized!?!

Bribing children to eat their broccoli is quite common, but paying third-graders in the Dallas school system three dollars for every book they read!?!  These kids will grow up confusing libraries with banks.

As one of the lowest organ-donating countries in the world, Canada is contemplating paying people for their vital body parts.  As organs go, you can buy a kidney in Yemen for $60,000 or a liver in China for $21,900.  The asking price for a lung in Europe is $312,650.

Today as capitalism teeters on the brink of another collapse, it seems every encounter is a transaction and everything around us and inside has a price.

 

They used to say “You can’t buy happiness.”  Soon you will be able to buy happiness.  It will come to you in virtual form and at viral quantities and PayPal will complete the transaction.  And if for some reason you’re not happy with your newfound happiness, you can always put it up for sale on eBay.  Maybe you could trade happiness for a soul although I still think a liver should be worth more than a kidney.  Is anybody interesting in tattooing a ‘teaser ad’ on my forehead with the ‘answer ad’ on my bum?  It’s a two-fer.”  At steal at $20,000.

 

For comments, ideas and

copies of The True Story

of  Wainfleet, go to

www.williamthomas.ca

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