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What Is With These Great Canadian Food Heists?

First, somebody stole the maple syrup.  I don’t mean somebody pocketed the dispenser bottle from a tabletop at Le Breakfast Club.  I mean robbers in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford, Quebec drove container trucks up to the province’s cartel warehouse and siphoned off 3.75 million litres of maple syrup, enough to fill one and a half Olympic size swimming pools.  That’s 10 million liquid pounds in 15,000 barrels which represents 80% of the world’s supply of maple syrup.  That’s $30 million dollars worth of liquid that’s darker than honey and faster than molasses.

The Quebec provincial police are looking for a group of men with Class 3 truck driver’s licenses and very, very, very sticky fingers.  Quebec is obviously transforming its economy from an organized crime base to one that’s high in nutrition.

I have no idea what these guys plan to do with 15,000 barrels of maple syrup, but if it’s for personal use, they’re going to need a waffle the size of West Virginia.  100,000 gallons is more maple syrup than the Rob and Doug Ford could put away on one of their foreign policy fact-finding missions to the International House of Pancakes.

That’s just so Canadian, that we would be stockpiling maple syrup the way North Korea is accumulating nuclear weapons.  And don’t think that wouldn’t be a boon to world peace – using tanker drones to drop 100,000 gallons of maple syrup on Kim Jong-un’s nuclear power plant.  You think Dim Kim has bad hair now; wait until he has to shampoo with Goo Gone.

Then thieves stole 100 rabbits from a farm near Owen Sound, Ontario.  Police didn’t even bother to investigate this one.  When you have the luck of 400 rabbit’s feet going for you, nobody’s going to track you down.

Then here in Niagara, three men including a police officer were charged with cheese smuggling.  “The large-scale smuggling scheme” involved $200,000 worth of low-cost American cheese destined for Canadian pizzerias.  If nothing else, this confirms that the $649 billion spent so far by U.S. Homeland Security was money well spent.  They haven’t caught a terrorist yet but wheels of domestic cheddar are going to think twice before they attempt to illegally enter Canada.

Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano who insanely believes that the 9/11 terrorists got into The United States through Canada called it “ a gouda day for law enforcement.”

Large quantities of maple syrup, meat and cheese being stolen in Canada at approximately the same time?  This could only mean one thing – al-Qaeda is planning a massive high calorie food attack on Canada.  Code name:  “Denny’s Jihadist Grand Slam Breakfast.”

Seriously, you throw link sausages and a pile of pancakes into all this stolen property and you could drive every Bob Evans fast food restaurant in America out of business thereby precipitating another global economic meltdown.  (And yes, the cheese is for the meltdown.)

Sorry, but I don’t get this sudden outbreak of robberies in Canada involving food products.  I get art theft.  I don’t get pop tart theft.  It’s as if criminals in this country have lost their sense of integrity.  For whatever reason – the flat economy, the high price of consumer goods, soaring taxes – we are no longer producing a generation of honorable thieves.  We don’t have bank robbers in Canada anymore; we have crooks with low esteem who would rather rob food banks!  Once a nation of highway robbers, we now have a bunch of bandits bent on stealing highways.

Is this what a developed country with a reasonable good living standard aspires to be?  Some sort of weird larcenous nation of food criminals where armed lunatics run around shooting holes in Fruit Loops and calling themselves cereal killers!?!  I think not.

What the hell is happening to us?!?  We used to have well-trained bank robbers with classic names like “The Boyd Gang” and “The Stopwatch Gang.”  Now what do we have?  “The Maple Syrup Six”?  “The Saint-Louis Sappers”!  “The Bunny Snatchers of Grey County”?  “The Cross-Border Cheese Doodlers”?

This is ridiculous.  If we cannot sustain or indeed, enhance our great heritage of grand larceny, how can we possibly compete in a fast-changing world of high-technology misappropriation?  Are the Chinese – now the masters of identity theft and hard-drive hacking not now laughing hysterically at a country where citizens have their feet stuck firmly in a pool of maple syrup?

Are the Russians – now capable of decoding highly sensitive passwords from U.S. Pentagon computers not looking upon Canadians as a bunch of “Wayne Worlders” who build secret smuggling compartments into cars and then filled them with cheese!!

Theft is the hot commodity of the future and we need to get a lot better at it.

For comments, ideas and copies of The True Story of  Wainfleet, go to www.williamthomas.ca

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