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Holy Crap! How Hot Was It?!?

wmthomas-sliderBy William Thomas

In mid-July, a lot of the world suffered through the hottest heat wave on record in almost two decades. Temperatures kept soaring to over 100 F in the States, while in Canada they hit over 40 C when the humidity factor was included. Conditions in both countries went from hot, to extremely hot, to oppressive, then dangerous and in some cases fatal.

Just how hot did it get inside a car sitting in the sun on July 16 in Toronto? The Toronto Star reporter who conducted the experiment had two thermometers with him when he entered the car at 32 C outside, 37 C inside. Within 15 minutes, the hand-held thermometer maxed out at 40 C (128 F) and the one that measured his body temperature just quit working. Soon after that, the air conditioner vomited.

Last Sunday, Death Valley hit 129 F, just short of the record of 134 F, the hottest ever recorded temperature on the planet. They called it Death Valley in memory of the poor bugger they sent out to read the thermometers.

It hit 100 F in Washington, D.C., and inside Congressman John Boehner’s tanning bed, the dial shot up to “Dark Roasted.”

It was so hot in the States, the National Rifle Association introduced a 100-round magazine clip for “Super Soaker” water guns.

Americans were in such a foul mood, they named the bank of high pressure that created this mess — Lehman Brothers.

It was so hot last week, reporters were frying eggs on the pavements as they always do during a heat wave, but this time they were doing it inside air-conditioned shopping malls.

It was so hot in Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan was found with her head in a freezer in a failed suicide attempt proving once again it’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.

It was so hot in Lancaster, Pa., air conditioner salesmen were going door to door in Amish country.

It was so hot at Fox News, Bill O’Reilly’s pants finally did catch on fire. And over at NBC it was so hot, the producer of “The View” found Barbara Walters backstage with her butt in a bucket of ice.

It was so hot last week in North America, Mennen announced a recall of their Original Speed Stick product involving more than 12 million armpits.

The sports world was not immune to the devastating heat. At a world class sprint event in Jamaica, the athlete’s urine samples were drying up faster than they could turn positive. It was so hot during France’s Tour de France that the cyclists didn’t even have to sterilize their needles. It was so hot in New York City at the NHL/Olympic negotiations, Gary Bettman’s staff carried him from meeting to meeting in a beer cooler.

In Ottawa, Canada, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was sweating so much it looked like a reporter had just asked about that $90,000 gift his party gave to Mike Duffy. In fact, it was so hot in Canada, Senator Mike Duffy actually did go to his seaside cottage in PEI, the one he claimed as a $20,000 primary residence expense but actually had never been to.

It was so hot in Southern Portugal, the local government finally passed a law forbidding German tourists from wearing socks with their sandals.

It was so hot in Cardiff, Wales, high schools boys prohibited from wearing shorts to Whitchurch High School because of a “no shorts” rule, wore skirts instead. Yeah, not trousers or jumpers but skirts. New school rule for boys: “Don’t ask. Don’t tell. Don’t bend over.”

In London, England, thousands of people standing in the hot sun in front of St. Mary’s Hospital waiting for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s birth announcement began feeling lightheaded, unstable and delusional. However, doctors believe those symptoms are consistent with people who stand in the street for weeks waiting for the birth announcement of somebody they are not even remotely related to. Those who had been standing there for three weeks were rushed to mental hospitals.

It was so hot in the Yorkville district of Toronto people were cooking tofu-fused, free range egg soufflés on the hoods of illegally-parked Bentleys. It was so hot at city hall, a video surfaced of Mayor Rob Ford inhaling radiator coolant through a crack pipe.

It was so hot in Puslinch, Ontario, even the reporters covering Nudestock North were walking around “starkers.”

It was so hot in nearby Welland, Ontario, police found the Dickey Dee Ice Cream guy cringing inside his own cart.

On the worst day of the hot spell, I crossed the road in bare feet to fetch the mail from my rural route box as I always do in summer and my feet stuck to the surface. Honest. The tar underneath had bubbled up over the chipped stone and I was walking in gobs of black goo.

Personally, I was hydrating at such a rate through the entire heat wave that near the end I discovered something they call “non-alcoholic beverages.” Apparently, they’ve been around for years.

And finally, it was so hot here in Wainfleet, Mayor April Jeffs called a news conference at the town hall and announced that until further notice, they were legalizing butt crack! Yeah! And the plumbers are over the moon.

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