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You know you’re from Wainfleet if …

williamthomaswI didn’t want to do it, I really didn’t want to do it, you made me … No, not you. Former advertising genius and now a Fleeter, Wayne Hughes sent me an email yesterday that read: “You know you’re from Wainfleet if you notice all the recycled cans have bullet holes in them.”

No, not this year I said to myself. The hay has been bailed, the cottages closed up and the Mounties reported one of the best grow-op crops in history as they were burning it to the ground. The big pipe is long dead and septic holding tanks are popping up like tulips in the spring. The illegal Saturday night fireworks are gone, the perch are big and plentiful and our one and only traffic light is performing flawlessly.

The people are content, I said to myself, why get them all riled with that stupid “You know you’re from Wainfleet if …” column. And then I saw a guy stopped at the end of my driveway, in a car 10 years newer than mine and he was going through my recycle box picking out the refundable wine bottles. And I said, why not?

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you wish Rob Ford was your mayor instead of that woman who’s “way too goody two-shoes” to binge drink and smoke crack.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if after you won the Father & Son Grand Ole Opry Weekend, you had to dig up Dad.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you convinced your wife to subscribe to Chatelaine so you could get Bowhunter Monthly free.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you like walking around the pup tents at the Long Beach campgrounds just to pet the dogs.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you were arrested for drunk driving as the lead rider on the Heart & Stroke Foundation Big Bike.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you firmly believe your sons should get those farm jobs going to immigrant workers, just as soon as they’re out on parole.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if the bottle collection on the shelves of your garage double as a shooting range.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you’re much more comfortable attending the new church on the highway where they’ve got it down to six commandments.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you bring your own shopping cart to Marshville Chocolates.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you believe lite beer was invented for guys with bad backs.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you forbid your daughter to attend Toronto’s SlutWalk and took her to Humberstone Speedway instead.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you keep three pet chickens on the back porch named Mild, Medium and Suicide.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you have a tattoo in a place where even the embalmer at Davidson’s probably won’t be able to find.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if the old bumper sticker on your truck “God Has A Plan” has been replaced with “God Has A Plan B.”

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you see nothing wrong with the woman who operates both the Wainfleet Canine Obedience School and Marriage Counselling Inc.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you thought the “Early Bird Special” at DJ’s was a roasted duck shot out of season.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you saved a hundred bucks on a fire alarm by hanging an aluminum container of Jiffy Pop on the living room wall.

 

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if the guy carrying frankincense and myrrh in your church’s Nativity scene looks an awful lot like Willie Nelson.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you have hail the size of golf balls in your freezer.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you still get a little choked up when you hear “Muskrat Love.”

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if the highlight of the birds and bees talk you gave your children was watching “The Forty Year Old Virgin.”

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you’re dead against carrying weapons in moving vehicles especially after you had a few drinks.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you have a photo of yourself eating a Bacon Sundae at Nashville’s Grilled Cheeserie.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you demanded your money back at the Elvis Forever Concert when you found out they were using an impersonator.

•You know you’re from Wainfleet if you notice the teller at Cash & Loan is dressed as a pirate for Halloween and nobody notices the irony.

And finally, you know you’re from Wainfleet if you were as proud as punch that the twins came in second in the school Halloween costume contest, one dressed as a tube of Preparation H and the other dressed as Johnny Cash and singing “Ring Of Fire.”

For comments, ideas and copies of “The True Story of Wainfleet,” go to www.williamthomas.ca.

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