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Bill and Monica – Together Again at Last

Monica Lewinsky is back in the news. As an intern at the White House in the mid 1990s, she became the most famous “other woman” in U.S. history.

Monica has written an article about her notorious liaison with then President Bill Clinton for the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair.  Excerpts of the magazine feature have gone viral as well as topping the evening newscasts of every major American TV network.

There is so much interest in Monica Lewinsky’s story that Wolf Blitzer interrupted his non-stop, 69-day coverage of Malaysian Air Flight #370, now widely believed to be at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

Monica’s Vanity Fair feature will appear just days before Hillary Clinton’s memoir hits the book stores.  The title of Hillary’s book is Hard Choices which will now generate more bad jokes than I have room for in this column.

Monica’s titillating and personal feature about her sexual affair with the famous president will hopefully be read by millions of Americans so that … they will finally leave her alone. If the magazine piece does not work, she’s planning to perform in a one-woman, musical on Broadway to get people to stop noticing her.

Her payoff line in the article is: “It’s time to burn the beret and bury the blue dress.”  Well, now she wants to destroy it all!  Back when it was about to be introduced as evidence in President Clinton’s impeachment process, he wanted to burn that stuff and she wanted to keep it!

The thrust of the article appears to be her beef with American feminists who failed to support her when the scandal broke publicly.  Feeling she was sexually exploited by her presidential boss, Monica expected Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem to come out against this sort of workplace misdeed.
The woman has a point.

At the time, the details of the affair – the cigar, the blue dress and the impeachment report – unleashed a torrent of lewd humour, aimed mostly at the intern.  All things being unequal as they were then, and still are now, Bill Clinton comes away looking like an aging lothario and Monica Lewinsky is stuck with the curse of being “a little bit nutty and a little bit slutty.”  There’s still no male equivalent for the word “slut” in today’s dictionary.

Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was able to weather the scandalous storm with great moral support from Jesse Jackson.  Unfortunately, when Jackson showed up at the White House with his girlfriend and staffer  who happened to be pregnant with the married reverend’s child, the word ‘moral’ took a bit of a public flogging.

Let’s hope that a few nasty remarks from the Clintons and a couple scathing reviews from critics is the worst that comes of all this media attention.  The last time Monica Lewinsky was in the news, President Clinton, in order to get her off the front pages of American newspapers, fired off a couple of cruise missiles that destroyed an aspirin factory in Africa.  I’m thinking if the intern’s story doesn’t fade away real soon, when Hillary becomes President of the United States, she’ll do the same thing, only this time Monica Lewinsky will be strapped to one of the cruise missiles.

Nineteen years ago, the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal set the record for bad and salacious presidential jokes.  I was the senior writer for Pets Magazine back then and I did not participate in the journalistic orgy of lascivious laughs. Because at that same time, the Clintons were about to have their beautiful chocolate Lab named Buddy fixed, which I thought was a much better story.  Steering clear of the standard risqué gags being written by other columnists, I asked one simple question.  With all the sex going on in the White House, how come they’re neutering the dog?!?

I mean, Buddy didn’t do anything or anybody that we know of.  My best guess was that any slanderous or scandalous innuendo surrounding Buddy must have come from Socks, the cat.

That column became a chapter in my book The Dog Rules (Damn Near Everything!)  I actually set the scene for Buddy’s impending sterilization in which Hillary has him on a leash, both of them sitting nervously in the waiting room of a Washington veterinary clinic. Highly emotional, and still smarting from the affair, Hillary looks into the dog’s eyes, has this grand epiphany and suddenly screams:  “My God!  I brought the wrong one!”

I can only imagine what Bill Clinton’s eight years in the presidential office would look like if he’d been neutered before his first term.  I sometimes wonder aloud his stature in American history could have been enhanced by avoiding the whole sorted affair in the first place.  If only he’d listened to that little voice in the back of his head that said:  “Hit that thing with a gavel or something, Bill!  Nobody’s going to believe she keeps coming to the Oval Office to deliver pizza.”  Minus the Monica Lewinsky scandal, President Clinton’s mug goes up on Mount Rushmore.

For comments, ideas and copies of The Dog Rules – Damn Near Everything!, go to www.williamthomas.ca

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