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The $50,000 Cocktail Party in the Can

By William Thomas

“When the working day is done.  Girls they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun.”

Cyndi Lauper would be proud of party girls 25-year-old Lilia Ratmanski from Whitby, Ontario and 26-year-old Milana Muzikante from Vaughan. Man, did those girls want to have fun or what?!?

Last week, these two wild and crazy chicks boarded a Sunwing charter fight in Toronto bound for Cuba and mistook the “vacant” sign on the washroom door for “vacation!” Some time after takeoff, with the click of a dead bolt, the short blonde Lilia and the tall redhead Milana turned a rear section washroom into a small but hoppin’ little nightclub. Oh yeah, the all-girl spring break party was on!

Fun, fun, fun long before they would reach the Cuban sun meant drinking most of their duty-free alcohol in the plane’s bathroom, straight from the bottle.  Imagine a meeting of the Mile High Club sponsored by Smirnoff. These two friends and nurses may have gotten away with the cocktail party in the can except the cigarette they were smoking set off the smoke detectors, drawing the attention of passengers and the flight crew.

Athough the party was pretty much over once the two tipsy travellers were escorted back to their seats, the inflight entertainment was just about to begin. Nobody is saying what triggered the next event – maybe they had their sights set on the same cute flight attendant or one of them forgot to bring snacks and party favours into the toilet – at any rate, they decided to duke it out.

So, in front of several hundred passengers, mostly sober and not engrossed in the inflight movie,  Lilia and Milana got into a hair-pulling, eye-gouging brawl. At some point, the Sunwing crew intervened and broke up this screaming, cursing catfight, much to the dismay of a few guys in the back who normally have to pay a cover charge to watch this kind of girl-on-girl roughhousing.

Consequently, the Sunwing pilot, Captain Peter Partypooper, alerted South Carolina air traffic control, who passed the complaint on to DEN (Domestic Event Network) who, in turn, alerted NORAD (the Northern American Aerospace Command), who scrambled two CF-18 fighter jets out of Quebec at a cost of $16,750 per hour to accompany the charter plane back to Pearson Airport in Toronto. So, what started as vodka shooters in a cramped toilet quickly became a military operation involving two nations with jet fighters running interference between the Sunwing plane and tall buildings.

Can you imagine that exchange?  “Red alert!  Red alert?  Russian MiG fighters testing our air space again?  No.  A terrorist hijacking?  Not exactly.  What then?  Two very drunk flussies in a catfight on a holiday charter.  We’re all over it!”

Then one of the women – I’m betting it was the blonde who looks like she could scratch the eyes out of Steven Seagal in a dark alley on the wrong side of Chicago – made a threat against the airline.  Nobody’s revealing exactly what was said, but let’s face it, the only weapon this girl had left was a full bladder.

Besides illegal smoking mischief and uttering threats, these two nurses face charges of endangering the safety of an aircraft, which carries a maximum sentence of life in prison.  Yeah, that’ll sober you up in a hurry.  Both party girls were released on $5,000 bail, which I’m guessing was posted by Charlie Sheen.  He’s insisting on house arrest at his place.

“I’m shocked,” said Lilia’s mom, outside the courthouse in Toronto.  “She doesn’t drink.  She never smokes.”  That left the door open to spitting, biting and fighting in public.  Charges of assault with deadly force on a large bottle of vodka have been dropped.

The total cost of the nurses’ night out could be as high as $50,000, and a spokesperson for Sunwing has already said they will be going after the culprits for damages.  And wouldn’t you know it?  They had packed beach bikinis and party dresses and short shorts and tank tops, but nothing that would look fashionable in jail.

However, the end to this drunken display of air rage wasn’t a total disaster for the two battlers.  The rest of the passengers cheered and clapped loudly as the duo were escorted off the plane in handcuffs, which made Sunwing officials believe that they just have to come up with better inflight movies. Travel tip to partiers headed for Varadero, Cuba – the resort is all inclusive. The plane?  Not so much.

For comments, ideas and copies of The True Story of  Wainfleet, go to www.williamthomas.ca

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