By William Thomas
Do not for a moment think that professional male athletes said the dumbest things in the past year because they always have, and always will have, Jessica Simpson interrupting them. While having lunch, the American ‘famer’ tweeted her faithful following with the question: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is it fish? I know it’s tuna but it says ‘Chicken Of The Sea.’” President Obama tweeted back that it was indeed fish and unfortunately he was dropping her from his short list of candidates to be his new Secretary of Education.
And Jessica Simpson will never win the Oscar for Best Mangled Quote as long as we have microphones and Britney Spears: “I get to go overseas to overseas places, like Canada.”
And Mariah Carey: “My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me, I’m tan.” I’ll bet if you did the genealogy, Mariah Carey and Geri Halliwell are somehow related. Said Ginger Spice: “First my mother was Spanish. Then she became a Jehovah Witness.” That’s like Sammy Davis Junior who was African American until he switched to Judaism.
And Christina Aguilera: “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”
And of course, Jersey Girl Snooki: “I’m not good with time. Like if I ask you the time and you say ‘A quarter to 2’ I wouldn’t know. Why can’t you just say 2:30?” Yeah, or three-ish. (Do not get her started on time zones!)
So you think Hollywood starlets bested professional athletes by uttering the most ridiculous quotes of the past year? Sorry, as the boys of balls and pucks like to say: “We have come together as a team and we know what it takes to win.”
To their credit, men say really dumb things more succinctly. When asked what he would have been if he had not gotten into professional golf, Rory McIlroy summed it up in two words. “A virgin.”
In an NHL game in which the Calgary Flames started the game by putting all their goons on the ice, and Vancouver Canucks coach John Tortorella responded by putting all his goons on the ice, Canucks winger Tom Sestito explained how it happened. “Torts told us they were starting their idiots over there, so we had to match that.” Sestito would know. He was one of the starters.
Before the United States played Belgium in last summer’s World Cup, sportswriter Brian Phillips offered his pre-game prediction. “Tomorrow, I will see Belgium put in its place, wherever that is. I don’t know. I have an American public school education.”
After Uruguay star Luis Suarez bit the Italian substitute player, Giorgio Chiellini, in the shoulder, blogger Jason Gilbert defended the biter, sort of. “To be fair to Luis Suarez, I can’t resist an Italian sub either.”
Keeping it simple, as they say in sports, Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari had a bit of an epiphany when he said: “Walking on the beach this morning, doing a little thinking when I saw footprints in the sand. It reminded me of the poem ‘Footprints In The Sand.’” Doing very little thinking, I think.
Stephen Colbert characterized the announcement by a Major League Baseball umpire that he is indeed gay with two words: “I’m out!”
And when a woman was spotted stealing the artificial leg of a U.S. military veteran at an Eagles-Giants NFL game, the PA announcer quickly warned: “If you see a female carrying a prosthetic leg that probably isn’t hers, call 911!”
And my personal favourite sports guy quote of 2014 comes from Chicago Bulls guard, Aaron Brooks, who has been calling teammate Doug McDermott “Ray” ever since they first met. Explanation? “I thought that was his name. When I found out that it wasn’t, I just kept calling him ‘Ray!’” You see, right there is why fellow NBA star Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace. He got sick and tired of Doug McDermott calling him “Ray” all the time. Now Doug calls him “Sunshine.”
In a classic “he took the pitch but she delivered the punch exchange,” Oakland’s Nick Punto was called out on strikes to end a game against the Seattle Mariners. Yelled his very upset wife, Natalie Punto: “That ball was higher than my boobs … and not my old boobs either!” Loyalty and plastic surgery – a rare but beautiful combination.
Speaking of which, Joan Rivers died last year doing what she loved to do – having surgery. “The Queen Of The Barbed One-Liners” once said she’d had so much plastic surgery that she planned to donate her body to Tupperware.
Wow, what a year for the mashed-up message. Maybe we should all follow Mike Tyson’s lead. Realizing he’s at the end of his career, Iron Mike said wistfully: “I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”
Let’s leave the last word of the year to some guy named Bryson Graham: “Happy 2014th Birthday, America! Can’t stop us now!”
For comments, ideas and copies of The True Story of Wainfleet, go to www.williamthomas.ca.